Iris: Through These Eyes
by jadesword
Summary: Hakkai angsts over Gojyo and is rewarded. a songfic to the Goo Goo Dolls' Iris. i write too much City of Angels as it is...


Iris: Through These Eyes  
  
A Saiyuki fanfiction by jadesword -- a giftfic   
  
for El Caballo Blanco  
  
Loosely based on the song Iris by the Goo Goo   
  
Dolls  
  
notes:  
  
* * -- emphasis  
  
The road to the West stretches to the horizon, endlessly.   
  
By day it is a silver ribbon that taunts my eye with its   
  
shimmer, and at night it is a dull light-path that   
  
strains my vision.  
  
For once there is some silence to be had in the Jeep,   
  
under the overcast sky that has loomed over us for the   
  
past week. We have been traveling these plains for some   
  
time now, great flat expanses of land stretching out in   
  
all directions. From time to time we pass small copses   
  
of trees to break the monotony, but in this part of the   
  
Journey to the West, we are just going this way because   
  
this way is west, and the exhaustion is starting to   
  
clamp down.  
  
Goku, listless and quiet, cups his chin in one hand and   
  
stares as is his wont, although right now I'm not sure   
  
he's seeing anything. The same look is on Sanzou's face   
  
-- or it would if his eyes were open; he has gone to   
  
sleep again.   
  
And Gojyo...he still seems somewhat conscious, although   
  
the look in his eyes resembles mine and the others' --   
  
completely disinterested in the world around us. His   
  
hair hangs limp and dispirited around his shoulders,   
  
without even enough life to reflect things, weakly or   
  
not. I look at him in the rear-view mirror and watch as   
  
he lights another cigarette -- with some difficulty in   
  
the oppressively humid air -- and puts it to his lips.   
  
I could reach back and put my hand on his shoulder, if   
  
I try -- he slouches forward now, and puts his own chin   
  
in his free hand to almost mirror Goku's pose -- but I   
  
need to keep Jiipu on an even track, going straight   
  
down this west-leading road through nowhere.   
  
I need to keep him at arm's length for his own sake and   
  
mine -- my hands are bloody, they have killed for   
  
passion, and I will not go through it again.   
  
And he has seen what happens when emotions rule and   
  
beget violence, and I will have nothing to do with a   
  
repetition of his experiences.  
  
But I want to touch him somehow, so much.  
  
He sees me looking at him then, and a small smile   
  
takes its time spreading over his mouth. I give him one   
  
of my emptily reassuring smiles -- he is too tired to   
  
know the difference -- and when he looks away, unable to   
  
make an effort, I let my smile become a little real.   
  
Just a little. He cannot know how much that smile, tired   
  
as it is and vacant, means to me.  
  
***  
  
A raindrop strikes the windshield with a loud splat, and   
  
another, and another...and suddenly the storm long   
  
promised by the brooding sky breaks around us with enough   
  
force to shatter our senses. It is all I can do to keep   
  
Jiipu on the road as it suddenly becomes muddy and unfit   
  
for driving on, and it is barely in the nick of time that   
  
Goku's eyes spot the abandoned house, set well back into   
  
its copse of trees.  
  
Dinner is a threadbare affair, and the pouring rain   
  
provides a dreary, pounding background: something canned   
  
from the bag of emergency rations that I keep in the   
  
back of the Jeep, and cold water from the taps -- which   
  
is all that they can produce.   
  
Goku makes faces at the half-stale bread, canned beans   
  
and cold oil-preserved fish, but he wolfs down his   
  
share and asks for more. It's more of a reaction than   
  
Sanzou's, who turns up his nose at the meager   
  
provisions and walks off, locking the door of the   
  
largest bedroom behind him with a loud click.   
  
Gojyo accepts his plate silently and goes to stand near   
  
the window, staring out at the gray without even seeing   
  
the food he's eating.  
  
Dinner has no taste for me either, not only because it's   
  
cold but because this is a night when I, too, am   
  
burdened by the unending rhythm of the water falling   
  
endlessly from the sky. On a night like this, the rain   
  
whispers to me of the crimes I've committed and the tears   
  
I've caused to fall in my wake, in this life that is no   
  
longer human.  
  
In the flashes of lightning I watch Gojyo shovel his food   
  
in, and wince when he is done -- he leaves no crumbs, but   
  
he doesn't ask for more either. It makes me think that he   
  
ate solely for the purpose of keeping his body alive, for   
  
the sake of going on breathing in his own life that is   
  
perceived as taboo by nearly every single human being   
  
we've passed on this long westbound road.  
  
He smells of sweat and salt as he walks past me towards   
  
the kitchen and its door to the backyard, and I breathe   
  
deep of the despair in his shadowed eyes.  
  
***  
  
At midnight I get out of the worn armchair near the   
  
little fire and look around. It is time for my watch, and   
  
with a small grunt Goku lowers himself into the spot that   
  
I have just left. He is asleep within moments, Hakuryuu   
  
draped loosely around his neck for warmth.  
  
They make a tableau together, encouraging in its own   
  
little way -- that those two could sleep through the   
  
night before the end of the world as long as we're all   
  
still together -- and I gaze at them for a moment by the   
  
flickering fire, before noticing that one of us is still   
  
missing.  
  
The door to the kitchen hangs ajar and I go through it,   
  
guided by the tiny pinprick of light that fades in and   
  
out of sight -- Gojyo's cigarette, its tip glowing redly   
  
in the deepening storm night.  
  
With the firelight behind me I can just barely make him   
  
out: he is braced against the kitchen sink, one hand   
  
hovering near a glass, the other holding the cigarette   
  
to his lips.   
  
'What are you doing here?'  
  
There is no anger in his voice, or even annoyance --   
  
just a deep tiredness that makes me frown just thinking   
  
about it, perhaps because I share the same feeling.   
  
I feel my way toward the kitchen table and one of its   
  
chairs before answering him: 'I'm watching out for   
  
anything that could happen. I've just relieved Goku,   
  
and he's sleeping now. Even if we're out here in the   
  
middle of someplace we'll never be familiar with   
  
because we're just passing by, I can't forget that   
  
there are still many out there who are trying to stop   
  
us.'  
  
'Shit, don't even talk about it,' is his reply,   
  
taking another deep drag off his cigarette. 'I don't   
  
even have the strength to fight anyone or anything.'  
  
'You don't have to,' I tell him. 'You don't even have   
  
to notice me here. And at least I can assure you that   
  
I can handle any minor incursions until morning.'  
  
'Why do you keep doing that?' Gojyo asks after a few   
  
minutes of storm-sounds and thunder.   
  
'I'm sorry,' I say, 'doing what?'  
  
'It's not just that you're telling me not to notice   
  
you here -- well shit, obviously you're here because I   
  
*don't* talk to myself! And you do that invisible   
  
thing all the time...when we're in a town and it's time   
  
to sleep, the monkey snores like he's fuckin' sawing   
  
logs and the monk mutters like he's nuts -- but you and   
  
that dragon of yours, it's like the moment you two fall   
  
asleep you two cease to exist...that's frigging   
  
creepy....  
  
'Even in that little house I always had to keep   
  
checking up on you and your injuries -- you were   
  
always too quiet a sleeper except when you were having   
  
nightmares, I tended to think you were dying all the   
  
time just because I couldn't hear you breathe! --   
  
Hakkai, why do you *like* vanishing like that? Spare a   
  
thought for us, will you?'  
  
Lightning flashes overhead and he is lit up -- his red   
  
hair and eyes glow in the storm and the expression on   
  
his face is unreadable to me.  
  
Even then, he takes my breath away...I hear myself gasp   
  
and the sound is clearly audible in the silence after   
  
the thunderclap.  
  
He smiles then, a little crookedly. 'Y'know, Hakkai,'   
  
he begins in a conversational manner, 'there are some   
  
of us here on this earth that wouldn't like it if you   
  
suddenly up and vanished without a trace on us.'  
  
'Of course,' I say quietly. 'The Three Aspects sent me   
  
along on this Journey to the West, and if I leave, I   
  
think they would be most displeased. And, let us not   
  
forget that Goddess of Mercy -- she would probably want   
  
to kill me herself if I did that.'  
  
'They can all go hang,' he mutters fervently. 'And none   
  
of them count, they ain't on this earth. I'm talking   
  
about that idiot monkey because he looks up to you as   
  
family. I'm talking about that corrupt monk because if   
  
you never noticed he talks sense to you, while the rest   
  
of us are fuckin' trash....'  
  
'And then there's you,' I say quietly, interrupting him   
  
as he takes his next breath. 'Who saved my life and   
  
helped me when I was in need. Those things are important   
  
to me -- I think about them when I'm being invisible, as   
  
you call it, Gojyo. In fact that's what helps me remember   
  
that I am *not*.'  
  
'You confuse me, Hakkai, you really do.' Gojyo stubs out   
  
his cigarette and comes around the table, stopping in   
  
the one place with any warmth in the kitchen: in the   
  
doorway to the main room, where the fire in the fireplace   
  
continues to burn.   
  
It places him behind me -- he is directly between the   
  
door and my chair. Now he is the invisible one, and his   
  
next words seem to come out of the storm itself.  
  
***  
  
'You aren't invisible, Hakkai, and you never will be.   
  
You're just kidding yourself if you think we're not   
  
aware of you...how can we not be? You're just standing,   
  
or driving the Jeep, and we know you're there. If we're   
  
fighting those goddamned youkai you just can't be missed   
  
-- heck, those blasts of yours, right?   
  
'When you were getting well and all that I knew you were   
  
at home all the time -- I'd come back and the house'd   
  
still be clean and you'd be sitting quietly in bed,   
  
pretending all the time it hadn't been a bother or a pain   
  
but I always thought about you pulling stitches or   
  
reopening an injury. And sometimes I'd see blood on your   
  
bandages and I could never get mad at you for what you   
  
were doing....  
  
'Gods help me, Hakkai, you can't be invisible to me, not   
  
when I feel so strange when you're around me. You make me   
  
feel like I can do anything, so long as you could see it.   
  
And you make me feel like I couldn't live in a world   
  
without you. You're no woman but I keep thinking about   
  
doing that sort of thing with you, being super nice and   
  
trying to win your heart and all the shit I do to get   
  
another girl...heck, do you know how long I've wanted to   
  
hold you?'  
  
His words fall against my defenses like the storm   
  
outside, and wash them away.  
  
'Maybe I do.' Again I interrupt him, and the lightning   
  
strikes to illuminate the shock in his features.   
  
'Because I've wanted the same, for a very long time.'   
  
I rise to my feet and step toward him, and we stop   
  
together between the table and the door into the main   
  
room of the house.  
  
'You do?'  
  
I nod, once. 'Yes, I do.'  
  
He moves between one lightning strike and another   
  
-- one moment, I can see him standing some three feet   
  
away from me and in the next, his arms are around me   
  
and his forehead is resting on my shoulder.   
  
I bring my own arms up to hold him and breathe deep.   
  
And in the next moment, somehow, we are moving together   
  
-- my feet and his stepping softly on the worn wooden   
  
floor of this empty house, our bodies swaying together   
  
in a silent dance.  
  
The storm fades into silence and the fire darkens into   
  
the dying glow of its embers; still we are there,   
  
standing together, wrapped in each other. I can see him   
  
and he sees me.   
  
Now, in this moment...I think I know who he is completely.   
  
And I know he feels the same about me.  
  
~owari 


End file.
